If you want to influence change you need to be a self-differentiated leader as well as a skilled communicator when it comes to crucial conversations.
In any organization it is important to be a self-differentiated leader. A self-differentiated leader is someone who can disagree with others, but is still able to communicate and work well with others of differing opinions. Within organizations there will be people who are anxious, gossip and try to get into other peoples problems. These people will often create emotional triangles by gossiping with others and getting them involved as well. This causes the work environment to be stressful and coworkers become anxious. A differentiated leader resists being triangles and does not get involved with this. They are able to keep their cool even when others are possibly trying to sabotage you. Many people do not like to make changes, especially if they know something is working and they will attempt to sabotage what you are doing. If you are a self-differentiated leader, its important to remind yourself that you are doing the right thing, you are making a change and it is okay. Continue to work hard and do not get anxious about what others are saying. It helps to reach out to other self-differentiated leaders as well. You can learn more about what it takes to be a self-differentiated leader from Edwin Friedman in his book A Failure of Nerve. Here is a quick video to sum up some of his ideas.
To be an effective leader, you will also need to have crucial conversations to help promote change. These are conversations that are high stakes, emotional and have differing of opinions, the conversations where people are very passionate and heated about the topic being discussed. These conversations can help the organization and yourself grow and improve your plans. Since these conversations are emotional and people are often very passionate about these conversations, it is important to learn to take a step back and be able to think about the big idea – What is it that you really want to come out of this conversation? You need to be careful to not let your emotions get the best of you and to take over creating a “Fool’s Choice” where you chose to engage inappropriately in the conversation or completely disengage. When you are able to have these crucial conversations, you are able to learn from each other, feel safe and hold a productive conversation, even if you may not get exactly what you want. The goal is not to “win” the conversation but to come to an agreement, better than either of the opinions each side has and then to put that conversation into action.
It is engrained in our genetic paths to either fight or flight when under stress or pressure. During conversations about something we are passionate about, we tend to do the same things, argue (fight) for something we truly believe, even if that means we may be being disrespectful, or we shut down (flight) and give up on putting anything into the conversation. Both of these strategies will not promote positive, safe dialog between people and may even escalate the problem being addressed.
Follow these steps to having a Crucial Conversation:
1. Get Unstuck (have common goal) 2. Start with the Heart (think about what you really want from the conversation) 3. Learn to Look (look for when conversations become crucial, when yourself or others are silent or violent) 4. Make it Safe (make sure everyone feels safe to share what they are thinking) 5. Master my Stories (control your emotions) 6. STATE my path (how to express your thoughts) 7. Explore other paths (how to get others to share) 8. Move to Action (moving from talking to acting)
You can read more about the skills it takes to have Crucial Conversations in this book. Here are some videos that sum up some of the ideas from these authors.
Bardwell, M., (2010). Freidman's theory of differentiated leadership made simple. [YouTube Video]. Retrieved from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgdcljNV-Ew&feature=youtu.be
Callibrain. (2015). Video review for crucial conversations by kerry patterson. [YouTube Video]. Retrieved from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFaXx3pgaxM&feature=youtu.be Friedman. E., (2017). A failure of nerve: Leadership in the age of the quick fix, revised edition. New York: Church Publishing. Patterson. K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R. & Switzler, A. (2012). Crucial conversations: Tools for talking when stakes are high. United State of America. Reading Graphics. (2017). [Image]. Crucial conversations. Retrieved from: https://readingraphics.com/book-summary-crucial-conversations/ Vital Smarts India. (2012). Crucial conversations explained in two minutes. [YouTube Video]. Retrieved from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixEI4_2Xivw&feature=youtu.be
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